Wednesdays are always hard days for me.  Maybe because RKY doesn’t stay at our house on Tuesdays.  Maybe because it’s hump day or because the weather hasn’t been great.  Yesterday I felt fine all day long.  I tried to just enjoy feeling normal for a while, but it almost felt wrong.  Like my mind was searching for something to give me a panic.  I guess that is what anxiety disorder does.  I took a quarter of an Ativan not long ago.  I’m hoping the placebo effect will give me an extra boost.

I began taking Zoloft back in February.  I was able to wean off of it (without the advice or knowledge of my doctor) in early March.  It has been rough since.  My friend gave me some Ativan, so I usually take a half of a dose when I really feel like I need it which ends up being twice a week.  I took the quarter dose today because I took a half dose on Sunday.  It is usually helpful in keeping my mind off of bad things and in calming my physical symptoms of panic and anxiety.  After the baby arrives, I hope to get an actual prescription for something strong, but safe for breastfeeding.

On the topic of counseling:

I went to a counselor that my OB brings to his office every Wednesday.  She is new to the area and seemingly new to the practice of counseling.  She listened to me vent and asked concerned questions but never really gave me any practical advice.  It was like venting to a friend I suppose.  Then she started cancelling appointments and was inconsistent.  So I made a call to a marriage counselor.  RKY agreed to go with me.  The counselor did not get much out of him.  He asked him if he was completely done with the relationship and he said no.  But he also didn’t really have a goal or expect to get anything out of counseling.  The first session was mostly me crying and telling him about what had happened over the past few months.  The second session RKY came again but still had no real goal and just said he was still trying to figure things out.  Said he needed time to concentrate on his apprenticeship.  The counselor gave me some advice about dealing with insomnia which was helpful.

RKY decided not to go anymore so I went alone to the third session.  The counselor then focused mostly on me and told me there is nothing wrong with me.  It’s about him and whatever he is going through.  And clearly he is trying to go through it mostly alone.  That relieves some burden off of me I suppose, but also takes things completely out of my control.  So now when I go to see the counselor, we focus on me and my goals.  I update him on our situation and he doesn’t say much other than there seems to be some selfishness on RKY’s part.  No shit.

He told me to focus on what I know.  Take it day by day and focus on what I know that day.  So today, I know that I have to work and take care of my kids.  I don’t know if he will be home tonight.  Wednesdays are a toss up.  Sometimes he just stops by for a little bit.  I know that RKY still doesn’t know what he wants to do.  Frustrating but that’s all I know today.  Until I know something different, I have to try not to think about it and speculate on the future.  It’s hard.  My counselor tells me every session, you may not like your life right now, but someday you will be past this and you will.  Being in the thick of it SUCKS.

 

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Someday this pain will be useful.  I think that’s a book title.  And I repeat it to myself often.  Give meaning to the pain I suppose.

I was having a bad night internally.  RKY was home but I put on a brave face and didn’t let it show.  I mean, I didn’t get home until 8 anyway.  Put the kids to bed and then watched a TV show.  Prayed in my head, please help me Lord, over and over again.  And then we hung out.  And all was well and normal and fun.  And I kissed the top of his head and said Love you.   And he said Love you too.  Then I calmly read for an hour before falling asleep.  I wish every night could be like that.

Woke up with the pain in my belly again.  Wishing I could just wake up one day and not feel like that.  Wishing I could wake up one day and be filled with happiness and hope.  Even if he decided to stay or commit or whatever it is that he is deciding, I would still feel anxious.  People change their minds every day.

I will write about therapy at some point.  And about religion at some point.  Both have been helpful.  Both are things I hope to keep up no matter the outcome of this.  I will say that not every therapist will click with you.  Shop around and find one that will help.  Luckily my second choice seems to be helping.  The first, a woman, did not help so much.  This second one is a an older man, and not what I expected would be useful to me, but he has been.

I draw strength from small things and unexpected places.  Songs on the radio.  A No Doubt song was on this morning.  I was reminded how Gwen went through a painful divorce and yet she is still out there.  Being a bad ass and successful in every way.

I work with several women who are not married.  Our director is not married.  She is successful.  Our admin is divorced.  She is loving life and travelling all the time.  A lady in tech services is always keeping busy with her friends.  All of us own our own houses.  All of us have kids we love.  There is hope and a future for me, regardless of what happens.

Maybe this could be helpful to someone someday.  Maybe even to myself.  My moods are very unpredictable.  I often wake with an empty feeling in the pit of my stomach.  That aching of being alone and not knowing what the day will hold.  It usually stays there until I hear word from him.  It makes me feel pathetic that one person could hold so much power in his hands.  He doesn’t know the power he holds.  He doesn’t do it on purpose.  I want to find a way to release myself of that.

When we are together, it is perfectly pleasant.  I feel nerves beforehand, but they soon dissipate as we fall into our usual rhythm.  Our usual jokes and conversations come naturally.  We feel like a true family again and the knots in my stomach come undone.  Then he leaves and they slowly start to come together again.  Usually in anger that I am alone with the kids again.  That I am alone after bedtime with no one to talk to.  I never express this anger to him.  I hope he feels lonely too.

After spending the morning at home, going to work is a relief.  I can find things to distract myself at work.  I can be helpful and feel good about myself.  I can read inspirational quotes on pinterest that are total BS, but still help.  I can read books and advice about healing relationships that give me hope.  I used to browse dating sites and apps, but that got old quickly.  At least there are people out there.

I pray all day long.  I don’t know if it’s helping or hurting my moods.  I feel sad to have to repeat my intentions over and over again.  All of them some version of, pray for RKY to fall back in love with me.  If only it could happen in one moment, one day, I feel like all my anxiety and sadness would disappear.  It wouldn’t.

Sometimes my depression gets me so low feeling that I don’t care if I live or die.  My kids pull me out of it.  Usually I am with them and I tell myself, I have to be there for them.  I am the most important person in their lives.  I want to see them grow up.  It does matter if I live.  I would never intentionally hurt myself.  I plan to be on medicine as soon as the baby arrives so I can avoid postpartum depression and any suicidal thoughts that may creep up in the aftermath.

I want to give up about 100 times a day.  And about 100 times a day I want to keep going.  Patience will run out at some point, but when?  Will he ever tell me his decision?  Is he just waiting for me to finally break and say, JUST GO!?  The waiting is killing me.  I have aged so much in the past few months.  This has been a living nightmare and some days I think it’s getting better.  But then it’s not.  I still feel terrible and alone and abandoned.

It’s hard to be trying to move on, while at the same time, trying to reconnect.  I just keep telling myself, I will be OK either way.  I am strong and independent.  I have a lot to offer.  I don’t have any interest in any other person, but eventually I will.  In the meantime, I can have fun and meet people.  That is supposed to be exciting but it really just makes me want to puke.

 

update

My life still sucks.  Baby comes in about 4 weeks.  Hopefully my life sucks less by then.  My new counselor is really good.  So is Ativan.  Can’t wait til I can take more.  Running around 5 miles 5 times a week.

still

Still going through the hardest time of my life right now.  The Zoloft is helping a lot.  The physical symptoms are muted.  The therapy may or may not be helping.  I’ve gone twice and I will go back next week.

My relationship feels very normal and comfortable.  There is still a lack of intimacy and sometimes affection.  I’m just trying to be patient to see if it comes back naturally or what.  Date nights begin a bit awkward but then seem to go fine after we get in the groove.

The kids are fine and oblivious.  I have a baby shower tomorrow that I do not want.  A lot of family and some friends of my sister will be there.  People I don’t really want to interact with.  And they all know what I’m going through, so double awkward.

I just keep praying and hoping for things to get back to normal, but better.  For both of us.

Running happens on most days.  I don’t think I have done a 10 miler yet this month though.  My longest run has been just over 8 and I try to do at least that much every week.  Some mornings I am just too anxious to run or I am extra exhausted from emotions and pregnancy.  I had a nice run at the park on Sunday morning while Red was in Sunday school.  Being outside for the first time in a while was hard.  I felt every incline.  I also ran outside two other days when it was nice this week.  Sometimes it was a struggle, but I enjoyed the fresh air.  My support belt has been helpful.