Someday this pain will be useful.  I think that’s a book title.  And I repeat it to myself often.  Give meaning to the pain I suppose.

I was having a bad night internally.  RKY was home but I put on a brave face and didn’t let it show.  I mean, I didn’t get home until 8 anyway.  Put the kids to bed and then watched a TV show.  Prayed in my head, please help me Lord, over and over again.  And then we hung out.  And all was well and normal and fun.  And I kissed the top of his head and said Love you.   And he said Love you too.  Then I calmly read for an hour before falling asleep.  I wish every night could be like that.

Woke up with the pain in my belly again.  Wishing I could just wake up one day and not feel like that.  Wishing I could wake up one day and be filled with happiness and hope.  Even if he decided to stay or commit or whatever it is that he is deciding, I would still feel anxious.  People change their minds every day.

I will write about therapy at some point.  And about religion at some point.  Both have been helpful.  Both are things I hope to keep up no matter the outcome of this.  I will say that not every therapist will click with you.  Shop around and find one that will help.  Luckily my second choice seems to be helping.  The first, a woman, did not help so much.  This second one is a an older man, and not what I expected would be useful to me, but he has been.

I draw strength from small things and unexpected places.  Songs on the radio.  A No Doubt song was on this morning.  I was reminded how Gwen went through a painful divorce and yet she is still out there.  Being a bad ass and successful in every way.

I work with several women who are not married.  Our director is not married.  She is successful.  Our admin is divorced.  She is loving life and travelling all the time.  A lady in tech services is always keeping busy with her friends.  All of us own our own houses.  All of us have kids we love.  There is hope and a future for me, regardless of what happens.

Maybe this could be helpful to someone someday.  Maybe even to myself.  My moods are very unpredictable.  I often wake with an empty feeling in the pit of my stomach.  That aching of being alone and not knowing what the day will hold.  It usually stays there until I hear word from him.  It makes me feel pathetic that one person could hold so much power in his hands.  He doesn’t know the power he holds.  He doesn’t do it on purpose.  I want to find a way to release myself of that.

When we are together, it is perfectly pleasant.  I feel nerves beforehand, but they soon dissipate as we fall into our usual rhythm.  Our usual jokes and conversations come naturally.  We feel like a true family again and the knots in my stomach come undone.  Then he leaves and they slowly start to come together again.  Usually in anger that I am alone with the kids again.  That I am alone after bedtime with no one to talk to.  I never express this anger to him.  I hope he feels lonely too.

After spending the morning at home, going to work is a relief.  I can find things to distract myself at work.  I can be helpful and feel good about myself.  I can read inspirational quotes on pinterest that are total BS, but still help.  I can read books and advice about healing relationships that give me hope.  I used to browse dating sites and apps, but that got old quickly.  At least there are people out there.

I pray all day long.  I don’t know if it’s helping or hurting my moods.  I feel sad to have to repeat my intentions over and over again.  All of them some version of, pray for RKY to fall back in love with me.  If only it could happen in one moment, one day, I feel like all my anxiety and sadness would disappear.  It wouldn’t.

Sometimes my depression gets me so low feeling that I don’t care if I live or die.  My kids pull me out of it.  Usually I am with them and I tell myself, I have to be there for them.  I am the most important person in their lives.  I want to see them grow up.  It does matter if I live.  I would never intentionally hurt myself.  I plan to be on medicine as soon as the baby arrives so I can avoid postpartum depression and any suicidal thoughts that may creep up in the aftermath.

I want to give up about 100 times a day.  And about 100 times a day I want to keep going.  Patience will run out at some point, but when?  Will he ever tell me his decision?  Is he just waiting for me to finally break and say, JUST GO!?  The waiting is killing me.  I have aged so much in the past few months.  This has been a living nightmare and some days I think it’s getting better.  But then it’s not.  I still feel terrible and alone and abandoned.

It’s hard to be trying to move on, while at the same time, trying to reconnect.  I just keep telling myself, I will be OK either way.  I am strong and independent.  I have a lot to offer.  I don’t have any interest in any other person, but eventually I will.  In the meantime, I can have fun and meet people.  That is supposed to be exciting but it really just makes me want to puke.

 

update

My life still sucks.  Baby comes in about 4 weeks.  Hopefully my life sucks less by then.  My new counselor is really good.  So is Ativan.  Can’t wait til I can take more.  Running around 5 miles 5 times a week.

still

Still going through the hardest time of my life right now.  The Zoloft is helping a lot.  The physical symptoms are muted.  The therapy may or may not be helping.  I’ve gone twice and I will go back next week.

My relationship feels very normal and comfortable.  There is still a lack of intimacy and sometimes affection.  I’m just trying to be patient to see if it comes back naturally or what.  Date nights begin a bit awkward but then seem to go fine after we get in the groove.

The kids are fine and oblivious.  I have a baby shower tomorrow that I do not want.  A lot of family and some friends of my sister will be there.  People I don’t really want to interact with.  And they all know what I’m going through, so double awkward.

I just keep praying and hoping for things to get back to normal, but better.  For both of us.

Running happens on most days.  I don’t think I have done a 10 miler yet this month though.  My longest run has been just over 8 and I try to do at least that much every week.  Some mornings I am just too anxious to run or I am extra exhausted from emotions and pregnancy.  I had a nice run at the park on Sunday morning while Red was in Sunday school.  Being outside for the first time in a while was hard.  I felt every incline.  I also ran outside two other days when it was nice this week.  Sometimes it was a struggle, but I enjoyed the fresh air.  My support belt has been helpful.

I have good days and bad days.  Unfortunately today is a bad day.  It all relies upon how I interpret our interactions throughout the day.  It started off fine.  Last night he worked past midnight, so I didn’t really interact.  This morning we talked on Google chat for a while.  Lunch time I just didn’t like the vibe.  A sad Hey when I got there.  Then we had a good conversation though about work and stuff.  And then just a quick side hug when I left.  I’m hesitant to kiss him because sometimes it seems like he doesn’t want to and of course, I feel rejected.  He and I are both home tonight so I am praying for a good sign for us.  I had boudoir pics taken before this happened and they finally came in.  Not sure if I show him them or not.  I was hoping they would lead to something…but probably not.  Maybe I shouldn’t have given him this 2 week period to decide.  It’s killing me.  I don’t really know what our separation will look like, I just know that it will suck for me.

I saw a therapist yesterday.  She said I shouldn’t blame myself.  She wants him to come with me next week and I haven’t asked him yet.  I know he doesn’t want to.  I just don’t feel very hopeful today.  Some days I do.  Not today.