Author Archives: scarlettrunner

Still very up and down but at least trying really hard to focus on the positive.  He has not been around much this week.  This makes me feel resentful as I am 9 months pregnant and trying to get everything together before baby comes while taking care of the other two.  Who wouldn’t feel that way?  But I try to let go of the negative thoughts and replace them with happy thoughts.  Easier said than done.  Especially when your body just seems to fill with anxiety from the moment it wakes.  No thought behind it, it’s just there and then it tries to trigger the thoughts.   It’s hard.  I try to focus on “every good deed comes back to you” “Radiate happiness” “Let go of the outcome”   I try to be happy when I see a loving couple or family out and about.  Try being the operative word.  At least I am trying.  I think I have reached that tipping point where at least 51% of my thoughts and feelings are positive.  Today it will be much more because Ativan.  Hopefully I can get some Xanax or something next week.

The hardest part is definitely when I feel that resentment.  I want to throw his shit to the curb.  I want to make decisions for him, like get out and here’s some baby and kid stuff for your house.  But that’s not really positive.  I will have to spin it positively all while believing my prayers have been answered.  Living as if my prayers have been answered, but just waiting in the mean time, not concerned or worried with when or how.

The baby comes Tuesday.  I was in the hospital for several hours of non stress testing and an ultrasound test.  She finally passed and I was able to go back to work.  I have no contractions or anything, so I think Tuesday will be the day.  The Dr. said I would have to talk to my anesthesiologist about drugs to calm me down.  He wasn’t sure if that would be possible.  Great.  I am going to be really scared.  What will happen after baby comes home?  I have no idea.  I guess it’s OK to not have any expectations.  That’s how the law of attraction works best.  Thank God for this Ativan because I was completely on edge and not this easy going yesterday.

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Amazing the difference one day makes.  It’s Mother’s Day which makes me feel special anyway, plus I got some gifts and love from several people.

After several prayers yesterday, I finally started reading the book The Secret.  And it gave me a whole new attitude.  I feel very grateful for finding it when I did.  I immediately began to feel better and put into practice stuff that the authors recommended.  Already I feel lighter and happier and more thankful.  I just know that things are going to be fine now.  I’m putting out there what I want and it will happen.  The law of attraction.  I’m only halfway through the book, so I definitely need to finish the rest when i’m done with this blog.

This morning, the law was already working.  Red and I found like a dozen 4 leaf clovers.  Then we went to the gas station to get lotto tickets and she won either $10 or $100 it was hard to tell.  I won $1!  Hahah.  So the universe (God) is showing me the way to get what I want and need.  I’m still anxious at times, but it’s a physical feeling and I try my best to rid myself of it before it goes to my head.

 

boom

And the anxiety hits.

Yesterday I didn’t see RKY because he drove to a show in a nearby town after work.  But we chatted  a lot during the day.  So it didn’t bother me.  He did come home after we had all gone to bed.  While I was reading my mind was wandering to other things and I had a mini panic attack thinking about my c-section.  I guess I haven’t been thinking about that so much.  But it was such a bad experience last time that now I am starting to panic.   Even getting a catheter was terrifying and painful.  I really should have asked my doctor if I had other options, like being knocked out completely!  My next appt is Thursday so hopefully I can talk to him then.  I don’t think they will want to do that though.  I also have counseling on Monday, so maybe he can give me some suggestions to ease my mind before surgery.

I woke up this morning with bad anxiety.  It’s after 11 now and I still feel it in my muscles and my breathing.  It’s a mostly physical response happening because I am at work, so my head isn’t really adding anything to the mix.  I woke up from a dream where I was hanging with my extended family.  It made me miss them, I only see some of them around Thanksgiving-Christmas.  I have only taken 3/4 of an Ativan this week, so I am waiting to see if this dissipates before I take another half.

I had a doctor appointment yesterday.  I am measuring 4 weeks behind, but the doctor said my ultrasound looked fine and he thinks the baby’s head is just way low.  I don’t know if that means she is going to try to bust out soon or not.  I’ve never had to deal with my water breaking, but I certainly do remember labor pain from Red.  No contractions yet.  Hoping she stays in there until my date.  I feel like the more time I have to reconnect with RKY before she comes, the better.  Because babies are stressful.  I hope this one is the easiest yet, for the sake of our relationship.

 

Yesterday I ended up feeling fine in the evening.  I ran which was a good mood booster.  Then it stormed and rained a lot, so I played with the kids until the rain stopped.  We went outside and I let them splash and jump in puddles.  I wasn’t sure if RKY was coming home or not.  It ended up being not, which I guess I should know by now that he usually doesn’t on Wednesdays because he works late.

Sometimes I can convince myself that this is just a break.  Like a break for a few months with intentions of fully reuniting.  That is my hope anyway.  It still sucks to feel lonely at night and to be missing affection and physical touch.

This morning I woke up and the sun was bright.  I didn’t feel as bad physically as I usually do.  But then I get reminded of the situation when I have to hurry around and get everyone up and ready to go and out the door, by myself.  I start to feel a bit sorry for myself.  Then I start to worry about having to do that with a baby added to the mix.  Yeesh.

Then I got to work and he sent me a funny video on FB.  Then we chatted about what to eat for dinner tonight.  So normal.  So confusing.  I am sick of reading tea leaves.  I just want my old life back.

Wednesdays are always hard days for me.  Maybe because RKY doesn’t stay at our house on Tuesdays.  Maybe because it’s hump day or because the weather hasn’t been great.  Yesterday I felt fine all day long.  I tried to just enjoy feeling normal for a while, but it almost felt wrong.  Like my mind was searching for something to give me a panic.  I guess that is what anxiety disorder does.  I took a quarter of an Ativan not long ago.  I’m hoping the placebo effect will give me an extra boost.

I began taking Zoloft back in February.  I was able to wean off of it (without the advice or knowledge of my doctor) in early March.  It has been rough since.  My friend gave me some Ativan, so I usually take a half of a dose when I really feel like I need it which ends up being twice a week.  I took the quarter dose today because I took a half dose on Sunday.  It is usually helpful in keeping my mind off of bad things and in calming my physical symptoms of panic and anxiety.  After the baby arrives, I hope to get an actual prescription for something strong, but safe for breastfeeding.

On the topic of counseling:

I went to a counselor that my OB brings to his office every Wednesday.  She is new to the area and seemingly new to the practice of counseling.  She listened to me vent and asked concerned questions but never really gave me any practical advice.  It was like venting to a friend I suppose.  Then she started cancelling appointments and was inconsistent.  So I made a call to a marriage counselor.  RKY agreed to go with me.  The counselor did not get much out of him.  He asked him if he was completely done with the relationship and he said no.  But he also didn’t really have a goal or expect to get anything out of counseling.  The first session was mostly me crying and telling him about what had happened over the past few months.  The second session RKY came again but still had no real goal and just said he was still trying to figure things out.  Said he needed time to concentrate on his apprenticeship.  The counselor gave me some advice about dealing with insomnia which was helpful.

RKY decided not to go anymore so I went alone to the third session.  The counselor then focused mostly on me and told me there is nothing wrong with me.  It’s about him and whatever he is going through.  And clearly he is trying to go through it mostly alone.  That relieves some burden off of me I suppose, but also takes things completely out of my control.  So now when I go to see the counselor, we focus on me and my goals.  I update him on our situation and he doesn’t say much other than there seems to be some selfishness on RKY’s part.  No shit.

He told me to focus on what I know.  Take it day by day and focus on what I know that day.  So today, I know that I have to work and take care of my kids.  I don’t know if he will be home tonight.  Wednesdays are a toss up.  Sometimes he just stops by for a little bit.  I know that RKY still doesn’t know what he wants to do.  Frustrating but that’s all I know today.  Until I know something different, I have to try not to think about it and speculate on the future.  It’s hard.  My counselor tells me every session, you may not like your life right now, but someday you will be past this and you will.  Being in the thick of it SUCKS.