treading water

It’s been a long time.  Right now I’m better than I was.  But not near 100%.  Had to take an Ativan today. I was OK for a long time.  But then I heard something upsetting and it caused a bit of a spiral.  Hence the Ativan.

The good news is I have 3 beautiful kids who make me laugh every day.  They also make me crazy every day.  I don’t have them on Monday nights but I work late so I just enjoy the short time alone I spend running and then going to bed.

Other good news is that I have someone who is crazy about me.  So crazy about me he is moving here to live near me.  The plan would be for him to live in his apartment with his daughter for a year and then we find a bigger house together.  My feelings for him are much more muted but we both want the same things in life, so I kind of figure, good enough.  I will have the family I always wanted again.  I will try not to think of who I originally wanted that with.  Turns out he didn’t want that life.  He is replaceable in every way.  (I just have to keep telling myself that).

As for running, I am lucky if I get in 4 days each week.  I have turned to different exercises I can do upstairs after the kids have gone to bed.  So I do feel like I am still in shape and parts of me are getting stronger.  I have no baby weight to lose, so no worries there.  My usual running distances are 5-6 miles.  I don’t have time to do much more.  Once my bf is back in town  and can watch the kids I should be able to get in some longer runs.

I’ve been through hell and back and forth and still find myself there sometimes.  I feel like I’m having a harder time than most because of my aspergers.  I don’t handle change well and I get attached to certain people and ideas and dreams for my family.  It’s been a huge struggle to let them go.  I have tried 3 different counselors, including a shaman.  None of them were able to fully heal me.  I tried hypnotherapy.  Maybe that would help if I had a CD player and could continue to listen to them at home, but so far I haven’t had any results.  I’ve talked to a few psychics.  Most of them tell me it’s not over.  I think they are blowing smoke up my youknow.  I’ve completed many novenas and prayers for help in letting go and moving on.   Sadly, the only thing that has helped is taking the meds that I “borrow” from a friend.  They at least calm me down and make me tired without having any effect on my work or parenting.

Tomorrow is our first family vacation without him.  I hope I can focus on the good times and not his absence.

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