Someday this pain will be useful. I think that’s a book title. And I repeat it to myself often. Give meaning to the pain I suppose.
I was having a bad night internally. RKY was home but I put on a brave face and didn’t let it show. I mean, I didn’t get home until 8 anyway. Put the kids to bed and then watched a TV show. Prayed in my head, please help me Lord, over and over again. And then we hung out. And all was well and normal and fun. And I kissed the top of his head and said Love you. And he said Love you too. Then I calmly read for an hour before falling asleep. I wish every night could be like that.
Woke up with the pain in my belly again. Wishing I could just wake up one day and not feel like that. Wishing I could wake up one day and be filled with happiness and hope. Even if he decided to stay or commit or whatever it is that he is deciding, I would still feel anxious. People change their minds every day.
I will write about therapy at some point. And about religion at some point. Both have been helpful. Both are things I hope to keep up no matter the outcome of this. I will say that not every therapist will click with you. Shop around and find one that will help. Luckily my second choice seems to be helping. The first, a woman, did not help so much. This second one is a an older man, and not what I expected would be useful to me, but he has been.
I draw strength from small things and unexpected places. Songs on the radio. A No Doubt song was on this morning. I was reminded how Gwen went through a painful divorce and yet she is still out there. Being a bad ass and successful in every way.
I work with several women who are not married. Our director is not married. She is successful. Our admin is divorced. She is loving life and travelling all the time. A lady in tech services is always keeping busy with her friends. All of us own our own houses. All of us have kids we love. There is hope and a future for me, regardless of what happens.