Still very up and down but at least trying really hard to focus on the positive.  He has not been around much this week.  This makes me feel resentful as I am 9 months pregnant and trying to get everything together before baby comes while taking care of the other two.  Who wouldn’t feel that way?  But I try to let go of the negative thoughts and replace them with happy thoughts.  Easier said than done.  Especially when your body just seems to fill with anxiety from the moment it wakes.  No thought behind it, it’s just there and then it tries to trigger the thoughts.   It’s hard.  I try to focus on “every good deed comes back to you” “Radiate happiness” “Let go of the outcome”   I try to be happy when I see a loving couple or family out and about.  Try being the operative word.  At least I am trying.  I think I have reached that tipping point where at least 51% of my thoughts and feelings are positive.  Today it will be much more because Ativan.  Hopefully I can get some Xanax or something next week.

The hardest part is definitely when I feel that resentment.  I want to throw his shit to the curb.  I want to make decisions for him, like get out and here’s some baby and kid stuff for your house.  But that’s not really positive.  I will have to spin it positively all while believing my prayers have been answered.  Living as if my prayers have been answered, but just waiting in the mean time, not concerned or worried with when or how.

The baby comes Tuesday.  I was in the hospital for several hours of non stress testing and an ultrasound test.  She finally passed and I was able to go back to work.  I have no contractions or anything, so I think Tuesday will be the day.  The Dr. said I would have to talk to my anesthesiologist about drugs to calm me down.  He wasn’t sure if that would be possible.  Great.  I am going to be really scared.  What will happen after baby comes home?  I have no idea.  I guess it’s OK to not have any expectations.  That’s how the law of attraction works best.  Thank God for this Ativan because I was completely on edge and not this easy going yesterday.

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