boom

And the anxiety hits.

Yesterday I didn’t see RKY because he drove to a show in a nearby town after work.  But we chatted  a lot during the day.  So it didn’t bother me.  He did come home after we had all gone to bed.  While I was reading my mind was wandering to other things and I had a mini panic attack thinking about my c-section.  I guess I haven’t been thinking about that so much.  But it was such a bad experience last time that now I am starting to panic.   Even getting a catheter was terrifying and painful.  I really should have asked my doctor if I had other options, like being knocked out completely!  My next appt is Thursday so hopefully I can talk to him then.  I don’t think they will want to do that though.  I also have counseling on Monday, so maybe he can give me some suggestions to ease my mind before surgery.

I woke up this morning with bad anxiety.  It’s after 11 now and I still feel it in my muscles and my breathing.  It’s a mostly physical response happening because I am at work, so my head isn’t really adding anything to the mix.  I woke up from a dream where I was hanging with my extended family.  It made me miss them, I only see some of them around Thanksgiving-Christmas.  I have only taken 3/4 of an Ativan this week, so I am waiting to see if this dissipates before I take another half.

I had a doctor appointment yesterday.  I am measuring 4 weeks behind, but the doctor said my ultrasound looked fine and he thinks the baby’s head is just way low.  I don’t know if that means she is going to try to bust out soon or not.  I’ve never had to deal with my water breaking, but I certainly do remember labor pain from Red.  No contractions yet.  Hoping she stays in there until my date.  I feel like the more time I have to reconnect with RKY before she comes, the better.  Because babies are stressful.  I hope this one is the easiest yet, for the sake of our relationship.

 

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