Wednesdays are always hard days for me.  Maybe because RKY doesn’t stay at our house on Tuesdays.  Maybe because it’s hump day or because the weather hasn’t been great.  Yesterday I felt fine all day long.  I tried to just enjoy feeling normal for a while, but it almost felt wrong.  Like my mind was searching for something to give me a panic.  I guess that is what anxiety disorder does.  I took a quarter of an Ativan not long ago.  I’m hoping the placebo effect will give me an extra boost.

I began taking Zoloft back in February.  I was able to wean off of it (without the advice or knowledge of my doctor) in early March.  It has been rough since.  My friend gave me some Ativan, so I usually take a half of a dose when I really feel like I need it which ends up being twice a week.  I took the quarter dose today because I took a half dose on Sunday.  It is usually helpful in keeping my mind off of bad things and in calming my physical symptoms of panic and anxiety.  After the baby arrives, I hope to get an actual prescription for something strong, but safe for breastfeeding.

On the topic of counseling:

I went to a counselor that my OB brings to his office every Wednesday.  She is new to the area and seemingly new to the practice of counseling.  She listened to me vent and asked concerned questions but never really gave me any practical advice.  It was like venting to a friend I suppose.  Then she started cancelling appointments and was inconsistent.  So I made a call to a marriage counselor.  RKY agreed to go with me.  The counselor did not get much out of him.  He asked him if he was completely done with the relationship and he said no.  But he also didn’t really have a goal or expect to get anything out of counseling.  The first session was mostly me crying and telling him about what had happened over the past few months.  The second session RKY came again but still had no real goal and just said he was still trying to figure things out.  Said he needed time to concentrate on his apprenticeship.  The counselor gave me some advice about dealing with insomnia which was helpful.

RKY decided not to go anymore so I went alone to the third session.  The counselor then focused mostly on me and told me there is nothing wrong with me.  It’s about him and whatever he is going through.  And clearly he is trying to go through it mostly alone.  That relieves some burden off of me I suppose, but also takes things completely out of my control.  So now when I go to see the counselor, we focus on me and my goals.  I update him on our situation and he doesn’t say much other than there seems to be some selfishness on RKY’s part.  No shit.

He told me to focus on what I know.  Take it day by day and focus on what I know that day.  So today, I know that I have to work and take care of my kids.  I don’t know if he will be home tonight.  Wednesdays are a toss up.  Sometimes he just stops by for a little bit.  I know that RKY still doesn’t know what he wants to do.  Frustrating but that’s all I know today.  Until I know something different, I have to try not to think about it and speculate on the future.  It’s hard.  My counselor tells me every session, you may not like your life right now, but someday you will be past this and you will.  Being in the thick of it SUCKS.


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