Someday this pain will be useful.  I think that’s a book title.  And I repeat it to myself often.  Give meaning to the pain I suppose.

I was having a bad night internally.  RKY was home but I put on a brave face and didn’t let it show.  I mean, I didn’t get home until 8 anyway.  Put the kids to bed and then watched a TV show.  Prayed in my head, please help me Lord, over and over again.  And then we hung out.  And all was well and normal and fun.  And I kissed the top of his head and said Love you.   And he said Love you too.  Then I calmly read for an hour before falling asleep.  I wish every night could be like that.

Woke up with the pain in my belly again.  Wishing I could just wake up one day and not feel like that.  Wishing I could wake up one day and be filled with happiness and hope.  Even if he decided to stay or commit or whatever it is that he is deciding, I would still feel anxious.  People change their minds every day.

I will write about therapy at some point.  And about religion at some point.  Both have been helpful.  Both are things I hope to keep up no matter the outcome of this.  I will say that not every therapist will click with you.  Shop around and find one that will help.  Luckily my second choice seems to be helping.  The first, a woman, did not help so much.  This second one is a an older man, and not what I expected would be useful to me, but he has been.

I draw strength from small things and unexpected places.  Songs on the radio.  A No Doubt song was on this morning.  I was reminded how Gwen went through a painful divorce and yet she is still out there.  Being a bad ass and successful in every way.

I work with several women who are not married.  Our director is not married.  She is successful.  Our admin is divorced.  She is loving life and travelling all the time.  A lady in tech services is always keeping busy with her friends.  All of us own our own houses.  All of us have kids we love.  There is hope and a future for me, regardless of what happens.

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