Maybe this could be helpful to someone someday.  Maybe even to myself.  My moods are very unpredictable.  I often wake with an empty feeling in the pit of my stomach.  That aching of being alone and not knowing what the day will hold.  It usually stays there until I hear word from him.  It makes me feel pathetic that one person could hold so much power in his hands.  He doesn’t know the power he holds.  He doesn’t do it on purpose.  I want to find a way to release myself of that.

When we are together, it is perfectly pleasant.  I feel nerves beforehand, but they soon dissipate as we fall into our usual rhythm.  Our usual jokes and conversations come naturally.  We feel like a true family again and the knots in my stomach come undone.  Then he leaves and they slowly start to come together again.  Usually in anger that I am alone with the kids again.  That I am alone after bedtime with no one to talk to.  I never express this anger to him.  I hope he feels lonely too.

After spending the morning at home, going to work is a relief.  I can find things to distract myself at work.  I can be helpful and feel good about myself.  I can read inspirational quotes on pinterest that are total BS, but still help.  I can read books and advice about healing relationships that give me hope.  I used to browse dating sites and apps, but that got old quickly.  At least there are people out there.

I pray all day long.  I don’t know if it’s helping or hurting my moods.  I feel sad to have to repeat my intentions over and over again.  All of them some version of, pray for RKY to fall back in love with me.  If only it could happen in one moment, one day, I feel like all my anxiety and sadness would disappear.  It wouldn’t.

Sometimes my depression gets me so low feeling that I don’t care if I live or die.  My kids pull me out of it.  Usually I am with them and I tell myself, I have to be there for them.  I am the most important person in their lives.  I want to see them grow up.  It does matter if I live.  I would never intentionally hurt myself.  I plan to be on medicine as soon as the baby arrives so I can avoid postpartum depression and any suicidal thoughts that may creep up in the aftermath.

I want to give up about 100 times a day.  And about 100 times a day I want to keep going.  Patience will run out at some point, but when?  Will he ever tell me his decision?  Is he just waiting for me to finally break and say, JUST GO!?  The waiting is killing me.  I have aged so much in the past few months.  This has been a living nightmare and some days I think it’s getting better.  But then it’s not.  I still feel terrible and alone and abandoned.

It’s hard to be trying to move on, while at the same time, trying to reconnect.  I just keep telling myself, I will be OK either way.  I am strong and independent.  I have a lot to offer.  I don’t have any interest in any other person, but eventually I will.  In the meantime, I can have fun and meet people.  That is supposed to be exciting but it really just makes me want to puke.


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