Monthly Archives: February 2017

still

Still going through the hardest time of my life right now.  The Zoloft is helping a lot.  The physical symptoms are muted.  The therapy may or may not be helping.  I’ve gone twice and I will go back next week.

My relationship feels very normal and comfortable.  There is still a lack of intimacy and sometimes affection.  I’m just trying to be patient to see if it comes back naturally or what.  Date nights begin a bit awkward but then seem to go fine after we get in the groove.

The kids are fine and oblivious.  I have a baby shower tomorrow that I do not want.  A lot of family and some friends of my sister will be there.  People I don’t really want to interact with.  And they all know what I’m going through, so double awkward.

I just keep praying and hoping for things to get back to normal, but better.  For both of us.

Running happens on most days.  I don’t think I have done a 10 miler yet this month though.  My longest run has been just over 8 and I try to do at least that much every week.  Some mornings I am just too anxious to run or I am extra exhausted from emotions and pregnancy.  I had a nice run at the park on Sunday morning while Red was in Sunday school.  Being outside for the first time in a while was hard.  I felt every incline.  I also ran outside two other days when it was nice this week.  Sometimes it was a struggle, but I enjoyed the fresh air.  My support belt has been helpful.

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I have good days and bad days.  Unfortunately today is a bad day.  It all relies upon how I interpret our interactions throughout the day.  It started off fine.  Last night he worked past midnight, so I didn’t really interact.  This morning we talked on Google chat for a while.  Lunch time I just didn’t like the vibe.  A sad Hey when I got there.  Then we had a good conversation though about work and stuff.  And then just a quick side hug when I left.  I’m hesitant to kiss him because sometimes it seems like he doesn’t want to and of course, I feel rejected.  He and I are both home tonight so I am praying for a good sign for us.  I had boudoir pics taken before this happened and they finally came in.  Not sure if I show him them or not.  I was hoping they would lead to something…but probably not.  Maybe I shouldn’t have given him this 2 week period to decide.  It’s killing me.  I don’t really know what our separation will look like, I just know that it will suck for me.

I saw a therapist yesterday.  She said I shouldn’t blame myself.  She wants him to come with me next week and I haven’t asked him yet.  I know he doesn’t want to.  I just don’t feel very hopeful today.  Some days I do.  Not today.

Things are better? I think.  It’s very confusing.  The future is scary.  When we are together, everything feels normal and fine.  We sleep in the same bed.  We stay up and watch TV.  We kiss goodnight, but nothing more.  I want more.

He talks about the future.  About this summer, about going to see places, and about after the baby comes.  You can see why I am very confused.  We went out to eat on Friday night, just us.  Talked no problem.  When we got home I said, we can chill and date each other for a couple weeks then talk about separation.  He said OK.  He can’t make a decision to save his life.  But he is going to have to make this one.  It takes it completely out of my hands, which is scary, to say the least.

I scheduled a Dr. appt for him and it is tomorrow.  I doubt he will go.  But I am hopeful.  I have counseling on Wednesday.  I am looking forward to it.  I am going to ask for a couple’s session and see what I can do.  If nothing else, I need to figure out how to properly separate from him.  Considering I talk to him all day long in Google chat, I need to know what the rules are.  Do I unfollow his social media?  Lord knows I don’t want to see any photos of him with other girls.

The future is so scary to me right now.  I just like when we are all home, like last night.  And everything felt normal and comfortable.  Who wouldn’t want that?

I’m going to keep writing.  I broke down and told my mom about what was going on on Wednesday after work.  She immediately took us to her house so she could help me entertain the kids and figure things out.   We ate pizza and made some plans for the future.  I don’t want to have to go that route, but honestly it feels a lot better to have the plan in place.  Implementing it will be harder.

The amount of love and support I have gotten once my mom’s big mouth spread the word has been overwhelming.   Everyone wants to help me out with different things.  They want to take care of my kids for me, but I really need to be with them right now for distraction.

Thursday I did not come to work.  My mom picked me up.  We went to her house for awhile.  Then we went out to lunch and shopping.  Back to her house.  I made a baby registry because she wants to throw me a shower so I get excited for the new baby.  I will have it in a few weeks so I can see everyone and I guess just get support.

I went home around 330.  RKY had picked up Red at school.  We had a pretty normal night as a family.  It was confusing.  We talked like we normally do, about nothing heavy of course.  We had a good time as a family going to the pet store and picking up some groceries.  It was exactly the kind of weeknight I would picture for a family of four.  But somehow it’s (or I) am not enough.  After the kids went to bed I took a Unisom.  But RKY sat by me and we watched a show before I passed out and had a great night of sleep.  So that was weird.

This morning everyone in my family was still very upset.  My older sister called in to work so she could watch E.  My mom came to take me to my Dr.’s appointment.  My younger sister is picking up Red to take her out tonight.  My appointment went fine.  The u/s was normal.  The baby was active and had a good heartbeat.  I told the Dr. about my struggles.  I cried.  It was embarrassing and not at all how I pictured my life would go.  He said Zoloft would be fine to take.  I have to ween from it a bit before the birth and then start it up again right after to avoid PPD.  I have a counseling appointment next week on Wednesday.

After work Red will go with my sister.  My mom will probably watch E and I will confront the future.  I don’t exactly know what to say or what I want.  I think I will write in a google doc what I want to say and hopefully go off of that.  In the meantime, my stomach is in knots still but I do feel a little lighter.  Family saves the day.

You are still the only thing and every thing I need in my life

I’m going through the worst time of my life right now.  RKY basically isn’t happy with me anymore.  I think he is depressed as well, but he doesn’t want to see a doctor or therapist or anything like that.  I suggested couples counseling as well but he just says it wouldn’t work.  So basically I don’t know what to do because he doesn’t think anything would work.  I think he is just asking my permission to leave our family and unborn child?

I honestly can’t concentrate or think about anything else.  My stomach is in knots all the time and my life is basically hell right now.  If he leaves, I am done.  I am never going to love anyone else.  It’s going to kill me to see him with other people.  It’s going to kill me not to see my kids every day.

He said he’s not leaving.  Is it delaying the inevitable?  God it feels horrible to be in love with someone and not have it reciprocated.

Maybe I will write here more often if it’s therapeutic.  Maybe not.