Things no one tells you about having a toddler

They will hurt you.  Physically.  Sometimes they will pull your hair so hard that you will want to cry.  Usually they will just scratch the shit out of you with their razor sharp nails that they won’t let you cut.  Also, baby teeth are incredibly sharp.  When they kiss you, they are really just trying to bite your cheek off.

They will injure you in other ways.  My left wrist has been screaming at me for about 10 months now.  That’s the arm I use to support her when I carry her around.  My kneecap keeps popping in and out when I squat down to pick her up/put her down. 

They don’t play with toys.  Even the ones that excite them in the store or on Christmas morning.  They will not play with them.  Toys that get the most usage are any small object that comes in a pair so they can put one in each hand and walk around with them.  To them, toys are anything mom and dad play with. Hide your remote controls or your TV will be forever stuck in some weird twilight zone until you dig out that manual you hid in an odds and ends drawer. 

They don’t eat much.  And you will constantly worry that they aren’t eating enough.  And you will try to force them to eat but you probably shouldn’t, because they are just going to grab it off their tongue and fling it across the room.  Don’t even think about the money you waste on their food, it will make you crazy and poor.

They might not like milk.  Or they will like it for a little while and then decide that they don’t.  So they will spit it out all over your couch and rugs.  They will push the tips of their sippy cups into the ground and create beautiful milk art on your wood floors.  Sometimes they will finger paint with it.  Sometimes you won’t notice that they did it until the rotten milk smell is already ingrained in your cushions and your whole living room smells like stinky feet.

They don’t like sitting.  Suddenly, being put into a stroller or shopping cart becomes torture to them.  And to you.  They become escape artists.  You will turn your back to grab a can of soup in the store and turn back to find your child standing on the shopping cart, precariously balanced, one foot on the handle and one twisted up in the seat belt.  You are no longer able to browse stores.  The goal is to get in and get out as fast as possible.  Shop online when you can.

And people do tell you this, and it’s true…you can’t have nice things when you have kids.  That 60 inch projection HDTV?  The bulb is burnt out from being turned on and off too many times in a row.  Why did they put the button at child’s level anyway? The stinky couch?  You could get a new one, but it will just become a new stinky couch in a couple months.  Don’t even bother wearing white clothing.  All those cute trinkets and decorative items that make your house unique?  Put them in the basement.  They will get broken or chewed on and hopefully not swallowed.  No one is going to notice them amid the bright sea of Fisher Price toys that litter your living room anyway. 

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