treading water

It’s been a long time.  Right now I’m better than I was.  But not near 100%.  Had to take an Ativan today. I was OK for a long time.  But then I heard something upsetting and it caused a bit of a spiral.  Hence the Ativan.

The good news is I have 3 beautiful kids who make me laugh every day.  They also make me crazy every day.  I don’t have them on Monday nights but I work late so I just enjoy the short time alone I spend running and then going to bed.

Other good news is that I have someone who is crazy about me.  So crazy about me he is moving here to live near me.  The plan would be for him to live in his apartment with his daughter for a year and then we find a bigger house together.  My feelings for him are much more muted but we both want the same things in life, so I kind of figure, good enough.  I will have the family I always wanted again.  I will try not to think of who I originally wanted that with.  Turns out he didn’t want that life.  He is replaceable in every way.  (I just have to keep telling myself that).

As for running, I am lucky if I get in 4 days each week.  I have turned to different exercises I can do upstairs after the kids have gone to bed.  So I do feel like I am still in shape and parts of me are getting stronger.  I have no baby weight to lose, so no worries there.  My usual running distances are 5-6 miles.  I don’t have time to do much more.  Once my bf is back in town  and can watch the kids I should be able to get in some longer runs.

I’ve been through hell and back and forth and still find myself there sometimes.  I feel like I’m having a harder time than most because of my aspergers.  I don’t handle change well and I get attached to certain people and ideas and dreams for my family.  It’s been a huge struggle to let them go.  I have tried 3 different counselors, including a shaman.  None of them were able to fully heal me.  I tried hypnotherapy.  Maybe that would help if I had a CD player and could continue to listen to them at home, but so far I haven’t had any results.  I’ve talked to a few psychics.  Most of them tell me it’s not over.  I think they are blowing smoke up my youknow.  I’ve completed many novenas and prayers for help in letting go and moving on.   Sadly, the only thing that has helped is taking the meds that I “borrow” from a friend.  They at least calm me down and make me tired without having any effect on my work or parenting.

Tomorrow is our first family vacation without him.  I hope I can focus on the good times and not his absence.


Still very up and down but at least trying really hard to focus on the positive.  He has not been around much this week.  This makes me feel resentful as I am 9 months pregnant and trying to get everything together before baby comes while taking care of the other two.  Who wouldn’t feel that way?  But I try to let go of the negative thoughts and replace them with happy thoughts.  Easier said than done.  Especially when your body just seems to fill with anxiety from the moment it wakes.  No thought behind it, it’s just there and then it tries to trigger the thoughts.   It’s hard.  I try to focus on “every good deed comes back to you” “Radiate happiness” “Let go of the outcome”   I try to be happy when I see a loving couple or family out and about.  Try being the operative word.  At least I am trying.  I think I have reached that tipping point where at least 51% of my thoughts and feelings are positive.  Today it will be much more because Ativan.  Hopefully I can get some Xanax or something next week.

The hardest part is definitely when I feel that resentment.  I want to throw his shit to the curb.  I want to make decisions for him, like get out and here’s some baby and kid stuff for your house.  But that’s not really positive.  I will have to spin it positively all while believing my prayers have been answered.  Living as if my prayers have been answered, but just waiting in the mean time, not concerned or worried with when or how.

The baby comes Tuesday.  I was in the hospital for several hours of non stress testing and an ultrasound test.  She finally passed and I was able to go back to work.  I have no contractions or anything, so I think Tuesday will be the day.  The Dr. said I would have to talk to my anesthesiologist about drugs to calm me down.  He wasn’t sure if that would be possible.  Great.  I am going to be really scared.  What will happen after baby comes home?  I have no idea.  I guess it’s OK to not have any expectations.  That’s how the law of attraction works best.  Thank God for this Ativan because I was completely on edge and not this easy going yesterday.

Amazing the difference one day makes.  It’s Mother’s Day which makes me feel special anyway, plus I got some gifts and love from several people.

After several prayers yesterday, I finally started reading the book The Secret.  And it gave me a whole new attitude.  I feel very grateful for finding it when I did.  I immediately began to feel better and put into practice stuff that the authors recommended.  Already I feel lighter and happier and more thankful.  I just know that things are going to be fine now.  I’m putting out there what I want and it will happen.  The law of attraction.  I’m only halfway through the book, so I definitely need to finish the rest when i’m done with this blog.

This morning, the law was already working.  Red and I found like a dozen 4 leaf clovers.  Then we went to the gas station to get lotto tickets and she won either $10 or $100 it was hard to tell.  I won $1!  Hahah.  So the universe (God) is showing me the way to get what I want and need.  I’m still anxious at times, but it’s a physical feeling and I try my best to rid myself of it before it goes to my head.



And the anxiety hits.

Yesterday I didn’t see RKY because he drove to a show in a nearby town after work.  But we chatted  a lot during the day.  So it didn’t bother me.  He did come home after we had all gone to bed.  While I was reading my mind was wandering to other things and I had a mini panic attack thinking about my c-section.  I guess I haven’t been thinking about that so much.  But it was such a bad experience last time that now I am starting to panic.   Even getting a catheter was terrifying and painful.  I really should have asked my doctor if I had other options, like being knocked out completely!  My next appt is Thursday so hopefully I can talk to him then.  I don’t think they will want to do that though.  I also have counseling on Monday, so maybe he can give me some suggestions to ease my mind before surgery.

I woke up this morning with bad anxiety.  It’s after 11 now and I still feel it in my muscles and my breathing.  It’s a mostly physical response happening because I am at work, so my head isn’t really adding anything to the mix.  I woke up from a dream where I was hanging with my extended family.  It made me miss them, I only see some of them around Thanksgiving-Christmas.  I have only taken 3/4 of an Ativan this week, so I am waiting to see if this dissipates before I take another half.

I had a doctor appointment yesterday.  I am measuring 4 weeks behind, but the doctor said my ultrasound looked fine and he thinks the baby’s head is just way low.  I don’t know if that means she is going to try to bust out soon or not.  I’ve never had to deal with my water breaking, but I certainly do remember labor pain from Red.  No contractions yet.  Hoping she stays in there until my date.  I feel like the more time I have to reconnect with RKY before she comes, the better.  Because babies are stressful.  I hope this one is the easiest yet, for the sake of our relationship.


Yesterday I ended up feeling fine in the evening.  I ran which was a good mood booster.  Then it stormed and rained a lot, so I played with the kids until the rain stopped.  We went outside and I let them splash and jump in puddles.  I wasn’t sure if RKY was coming home or not.  It ended up being not, which I guess I should know by now that he usually doesn’t on Wednesdays because he works late.

Sometimes I can convince myself that this is just a break.  Like a break for a few months with intentions of fully reuniting.  That is my hope anyway.  It still sucks to feel lonely at night and to be missing affection and physical touch.

This morning I woke up and the sun was bright.  I didn’t feel as bad physically as I usually do.  But then I get reminded of the situation when I have to hurry around and get everyone up and ready to go and out the door, by myself.  I start to feel a bit sorry for myself.  Then I start to worry about having to do that with a baby added to the mix.  Yeesh.

Then I got to work and he sent me a funny video on FB.  Then we chatted about what to eat for dinner tonight.  So normal.  So confusing.  I am sick of reading tea leaves.  I just want my old life back.